[Note from RPB – This article will be published in two parts, with specific comments at the end of each part. This is an important article that compels a spiritual response, if only because the honorable attitudes exhibited in these interviews reveal a deep longing for something that only God can provide.]
Ty Gregory of Toledo, Ohio, has dated his girlfriend on and off for 15 years. He had long planned to propose marriage but never did. Then came Sept. 11.
Through tears and anguish watching news reports of the terror attacks, it became clear that life could not wait, Gregory says.
"It made me think, 'Man, we don't know how long we'll be here," said Gregory, 32, an information systems specialist. "I really felt like I wasted a lot of time in my life and there isn't a lot more to be wasted." He popped the question, she said yes, and the couple will marry early next year.
Americans not even directly connected to the Sept. 11 suicide hijack attacks on New York and Washington that left more than 5,300 dead say they feel the ripple effects of terror, and some have already taken steps to change their lives. Although nationwide statistics on such change do not exist, ABCNEWS.com has read more than 1,000 e-mails from users who explained the impact that terrible day had on their lives.
For some, change is tangible — a marriage proposal, a resignation letter, a postponement of parenthood. For many others who haven't reorganized their lives, Sept. 11 may have planted seeds of change to come. They are re-evaluating priorities, rediscovering faith and patriotism, reconnecting with family and friends, and confronting fear and depression.
Although most ABCNEWS.com users said they were affected in some way by the attacks, some said they remain unchanged, adamant that terrorists not have the power to affect their lives.
But it's not surprising that this crisis has lead to contemplation and change for many, psychologists say. "Tragic events help people become more aware of their mortality and help them get in touch with things that are meaningful for them," said Richard Watts, a counseling professor at Baylor University.
Experts worry about those who make "cold turkey" decisions in crisis, saying impulsive behavior can lead to bad choices. But for those who considered a change before Sept. 11, the tragedy may have clarified their thinking and helped them make a healthy move.
"Sometimes a tragedy can spur one to an action that has been incubating within for some time prior to the tragedy," said Raleigh, N.C. family therapist Dianne Occhetti. "Whenever there is a crisis, be it in our nation or in ourselves, it is also an opportunity that opens other windows and doors."
"I broke up with someone I've lived with for many years. Although there were times when I was forgiving, this time I just thought about how precious life is, how precious we all are — and that I wanted to live that life with joy, with laughter," Cami Huk, Rutherford, N.J.
Following the initial horror and shock of Sept. 11, the ensuing introspection led to some major decisions being made about relationships.
For some, the terror attacks helped them realize they had found the right life partner. Amanda Claiborne, 45, of Sebastopol, Calif., said she is now rethinking separation from her longtime partner. She is less fixed on finding "perfection" in her relationship, and more inclined to appreciate her partner's good qualities, like being a good father to their son, she said. "What we learned above all is that we are each other's family," she said.
"The attack brought out what people consider real and genuine and authentic in their relationships," Occhetti said. For some distressed couples, though, the tragedy left them just as embattled — and in some cases, more so.
Sharyn Sooho, a Newton, Mass. divorce lawyer, says the phones in her firm went quiet for a few days after the attacks but soon rang again with a vengeance. Clients already embroiled in difficult divorces seemed even more belligerent, she said. "It's almost as though people were saying, 'If I can't defend the homeland, I can defend myself,'" Sooho said.
In disaster and uncertainty, this kind of relationship dynamic is common, said Harrisburg, Pa. therapist Ed Beck. "If things are going well, things get better and stronger, but if the relationship is fragile and pathological, their symptoms will exacerbate because there is a perceived threat," he said.
"I have made a decision to wait to have another baby — I already have two children and my first thoughts were, 'How many more children would I have to worry about if this happens in my home town?'" Kelly Francl, Sparks, Nev.
The impulse to protect and provide for one's family caused some Americans in the last month to rethink parenthood.
Sandra Turonis, a 32-year-old Pennsylvanian whose first husband died seven years ago, remarried last July and intended to have children. Now, she says, she's not so sure.
"I am scared for myself, my husband, my 10-year-old step-daughter and my family," she said. "We recently bought a home and I wonder if we will keep our jobs and be able to maintain this home as this war continues."
But we all react to tragedy and uncertainty in different ways — still other couples see, in this time of staggering loss and grief, an opportunity to affirm life by bringing a child into the world.
Before Sept. 11, Titania Roberson, 28, of Durham, N.C. was still waiting to have children after four years of marriage. Now, she and her husband want to hurry their family along just in case one of their lives is cut short. "If one of us happen to be one of the innocent victims, then we want the other to have the child as a memory," she said.
(To be continued)
Unfortunately, tragedies such as September 11, 2001 are sometimes required just to bring some people to a sense of their own mortality. It is this sense of vulnerability that produces these radical life-changing decisions. It is not that these decisions are necessarily wrong, when motivated by cataclysmic events, but rather that it takes such events before we turn our attention to what really matters.
Paul’s exhortation to Titus is of value, for he addresses the attitude that empowers us, apart from tragedy or dire circumstances, to rise to the holy calling to which we are called by the gospel:
For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds. (Titus 2:11-14)
Is it not far better to live "in the present age" – at this point in our lives – with the driving motivation of zeal for being a purified people, fitted for the Master’s use? If you’ve wasted your time in pursuing what does not matter, please take a moment to STOP and consider what God requires of you.
Continued next week…